•  Book Review: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The Relationship Cure: A Five-Step Guide for Building Better Communications with Family, Friends, and Lovers
By John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire
Crown Publishers
304 pp $24

In the first line of Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy's tragic narrator observes that all happy families are alike. In his new book, The Relationship Cure, marriage expert John Gottman takes a close look at the dynamics of human connection, both in and outside the family. Good relationships all succeed for the same reason, he argues: The partners are skilled at decoding and responding to each other's most subtle attempts at communication and connection.

Gottman should know. He earned his nickname, "The Marriage Doctor," in the trenches, counseling couples for over 20 years, and his theories are based on concrete and exhaustive research. A professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, Gottman has written widely on the subject of marriage and families. His books include Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Based on this experience, Gottman claims a 90 percent accuracy rate in predicting whether or not a marriage will survive.

In The Relationship Cure, Gottman tackles not only romantic partnerships but platonic relationships as well -- including those of work, family, and friendship -- and explores the factors that either nurture or threaten these unions. His thesis centers on the concept of the "bid," a term Gottman coined to describe the fundamental unit of emotional communication. According to Gottman, "A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch -- any single expression that says, 'I want to feel connected to you.' "

The bid is essentially an emotional Morse code that we constantly send and receive as we engage in human interactions. We are so accustomed to this basic currency of human exchange that we are barely conscious of it. Yet, Gottman argues, our skill at bidding and responding to bids can determine our success as a spouse, employee, boss, friend, or parent.

Gottman overturns long-held theories about couples' dynamics, much to his own surprise. In 1990, Gottman and colleagues launched an experiment known as the "Love Lab" on the University of Washington campus. There couples volunteered to be studied in a nonclinical environment, an apartment where they lived and where researchers could observe their interactions at all times. Gottman's goal was simple: to find out why some marriages succeed and some do not.

"Many psychologists at the time agreed with theorist Sydney Jourard that the key to good relationships was self-disclosure -- a person's willingness to reveal his or her most guarded, personal thoughts and experiences to another person," Gottman writes. "Now that I could spend hours observing our study couples from behind one-way mirrors in this natural, homelike setting, surely I would see many profound examples of this behavior."

But Gottman's project didn't produce the findings he expected. After collecting countless hours of videotape, he found that even happy, connected couples spent little time exchanging weighty confidences. What Gottman captured on videotape were humdrum discussions of house payments, dinner plans, and the latest baseball scores. As Gottman continued his observations, it dawned on him that marital success didn't have much to do with disclosures or even whether or not the couple agreed most of the time. What was crucial, in the end, was how individuals responded to each other's appeals for connection -- the bids that he described.

To illustrate this point, Gottman describes a series of interactions where bids went ignored. In one, a woman completely ignored her husband as he recounted a frightening military coup he once observed in Spain. In another, one of Gottman's volunteers in the apartment lab made an obvious appeal for attention by politely requesting that her husband put away his newspaper and talk. He grudgingly asked what she wanted to talk about. When she suggested they discuss their plan to buy a new television, he shot back, "What do YOU know about televisions?" After that, understandably, she gave up and made no more efforts to communicate.

"By choosing to turn toward, turn away, or turn against each other's bids for connection -- no matter how ordinary or small -- they established a foundation that could determine the future success or failure of their relationships," Gottman concludes.

Gottman's conclusion seems at the same time revelatory and obvious, like many truths we have always experienced but never bothered to examine close up. He zeros in on the building blocks of basic human dynamics and gives them a name. Once you learn about the concept of bids, you begin to see them everywhere, from pleasantries exchanged with associates at work to conversations with your partner at the end of the day. You also become acutely aware of your own bids -- and responses to bids -- and how these fleeting, usually unremarked moments shape the texture of your day.

In professional circumstances, a bid can be as subtle as inviting a colleague for lunch. And while this gesture may be small, the response can influence whether the relationship grows or not. To illustrate, Gottman provides two responses to the same bid: "What are you doing for lunch today?" Response No. 1: "Who has time for lunch?" Response No. 2: "I wish I had time for lunch. I've got to finish this report." In both cases the lunch invitation is turned down, but in the second case the bid is not.

Whether discussing bids among friends or partners, Gottman and co-author Joan DeClaire write clearly and compassionately. The book reflects Gottman's genuine optimism about our ability to improve our relationships, and his book is an excellent road map for those prepared to embark on that journey.

One minor quibble would be that the authors have larded the book with a number of self-help tools that are downright irritating. In one chapter, for example, Gottman outlines various personality types to describe our internal brain wiring: "Commander-in-Chief," "Nest-Builder," and "Jester." (A Commander-in Chief has a strong need to dominate his or her environment. A Nest-Builder thrives on connection and tends to be a generous, nurturing partner, friend, and colleague. A Jester puts value on play and diversion and ensures that day-to-day activities are infused with a sense of humor and joy.) Readers are urged to take a quiz to find out which category they fit, but the categories and the quiz feel simplistic and forced, like capsules from an astrology book.

In addition, most chapters are peppered with self-help quizzes and exercises. A little of this can go a long way, but there are far too many. Some even verge on silly. For example, one list of tips for improving your marriage includes suggestions like "Compliment your partner's accomplishments, efforts, and looks," "Kiss upon reuniting," and "Take a vacation" -- all gestures that would likely occur to even the most emotionally flat-footed partner. These features may make the book more interactive, but they also dilute the sharpness and acuity of its basic thesis.

Still, this is an unusually satisfying and useful book. If you happen to work with -- or be married to -- someone with a tin ear for the subtleties of human exchange, you'll want to slip this book into their reading pile immediately.

-- Connie Matthiessen is a San Francisco-based freelance writer.

First published January 29, 2002
Last updated October 27, 2008
Copyright © 2002 Consumer Health Interactive

Back to top of page